B.E.S.T Proposal.

One of the things pretty high on my wish list is to be a Double-Decker bus driver on the streets of my great city. These things are huge and cumbersome. No hint of power steering, no traction control or syncro-mesh gear box, or independent suspension. They are brutes of steel driven mainly by Indians' everlasting confidence in God and Brit engineering. The great Leyland company offers a cash prize to anyone who topples this bus by driving it rashly. Needless to say this prize has been unclaimed for about more than 50 years now.

The nub of the whole thing being, that I just can't imagine that I am the only one in Mumbai or India for that matter who desires being the driver of such a legendary public conveyance, so here goes a proposal to the BEST.

Start a course offering lay public instruction in driving a Double-Decker bus (DDB). They can charge a tidy little sum for the same. They own huge vacant plots where they can set-up a training track.

BEST can test the general driving skill of the prospective trainees before they let them start the course. They can also have a waiver stating that the trainees are learning at their own risk and it is not binding on BEST to let them ride the bus due to any reason whatsoever.

Then they can train the whole batch at once on the recently laid test track. Theory lessons interspersed with practicals on the working of the bus transport system in suburban Mumbai. Along with history lessons about BEST and it's role in making Mumbai what it is. There would be simulators along with detailed GPS maps of the city routes for the trainees to familiarize themselves.

After a fortnight or so of intensive testing, there can be a test. Candidates who pass this test, can get a license to drive the DDB on a select short route, on a Sunday, when the roads are not that crowded. Hopefully with the help of traffic police, a short diversion can be created for about three or four hours on that route.

They can have family and friends of the drivers, lined up at the different stops on the way, to try and simulate almost real life conditions.

Even the bus could be different. Open top bus, with streamers and other decorations. Serve as a warning to other vehicles on the road too. A celebration party for all the successful candidates on the bus itself at the end of the day. With a ceremonious handing over of the BEST license and Badge stating the wearer is formally trained in the rigors of DDB driving.

Wot say BEST?

Wish List.

Am having a thing for lists nowadays it seems. Just the other day waiting at a doctor’s office, being bored and tired at the same time, my mind took a break. It went back to all the stuff happening at work, some good and some bad. It took me a moment to realize, that even when my mind was taking a break, I was actually thinking of work. I have become the degenerate corporate type, who just cannot leave work alone.

Wrenching my attention from office, I started thinking of all the things I ever wanted to do. So, without much ado, the Vibhu Da Brahman to do Wish list:

1. Much thought went into the first one. It’s probably the most mundane, but has been bugging me for quite a while. Learn to ride a bike. My Bro has got one; need to get it on the road. For all my practicing, can’t seem to find more than one gear, except neutral that is.
   
   
2. Another locomotive one. Learn to fly. Does not need much explaining now, does it?
   
   
3. Learn and cook a great vegetarian seven course meal. From aperitif to dessert.
   
   
4. Learn Sanskrit again. Me gramps tried to teach me the Upanishads, never understood the need for it back then. Now I know. Nothing better than learning to read and understand them in the language written.
   
   
5. Learn to pray. Really pray. Empty the mind and speak to God. All those texts written, maybe I need to give them a chance.
   
   
6. Read and understand the Holy Bible and the Koran. Learn what the big deal is.
   
   
7. Put a week long smile on mum’s face.
   
   
8. Swim with the dolphins.
   
   
9. Blend the perfect cocktail.
   
   
10. Research and help develop the perfect gait for man. Using biomechanical tools, develop the most energy efficient gait man can have, with charts for different height – weight ratios, diagrams and mannequins to explain. Maybe start a great new revolution, help India win the Olympic gold! With our dependence on labor saving machines, we seemed to have forgotten that we evolved this way for a reason. Feet for walking and hands for picking stuff.
    
    
11. Build a prosthesis and rehabilitate people using the patented energy saving gait.
    
    
12. Climb the Himalayas. By foot, chopper or sherpa. Does not matter. Get to the top.
    
    
13. Build an iconic car. Fast and faster. Run it on Indian roads.
    
    
14. Build my house. My very own. Stuff science fiction is made of.
    
    
15. Write a great song.
    
    
16. Learn to play the guitar. Well.
    
    
17. Write a great short story, one that stands up to all the greats in the world.
    
    
18. Feel. Period.
    
    
19. Mourn a day for all the millions of Indians dead due to war, famine and all of their consequences.
    
    
20. Rejoice for all the thousands of Indians born each day.
    
    
21. Write a great poem, one that makes her smile.
    
    
22. Be a double-decker bus driver for a day.
    
    
23. Take a load of cargo, Trans-India, on a multi-axle.
    
    
24. Learn to farm.
    
    
25. Earn a profit on my farm.
    
    
26. Learn three languages. French, Spanish and Arabic.
    
    
27. Restore and use my very own vintage bike.
    
    
28. Be rich.
    
    
29. Be happy while rich.
    
    
30. Dream forever. For dreamers do live.

I think that about covers it for now.

Vibhu Da Brahman.

Stolen Mobiles!

This is for all Mumbaikars who have had their phones flicked, stolen or robbed at gun, knife or stick point. Sometime back I formally joined the ranks of the mobile-phonetically deprived of the city. A nasty slick pick-pouch robbed me of the sublime joy of answering missives from friends, colleagues and clients. Of talking to near and dear ones, while on the move or just plain listening to music that I like while whiling away time in public transport, getting transported from one end of this mega-polis to the other.

But I digress. To help people deal with this problem, I have made a list of all the things that I went through and hopefully others would find it useful in dealing with such issues as and when they arise.

1. Stop the bus, train or cab wherever you may be on discovering the loss of the phone. Let out a primeval howl of anguish that lets the world know, that you have lost something you rely on for survival and succor. Something, that brings joy and sorrow to your life, your gateway to love, life and happiness. In case you notice anyone trying to sneak away, do try to question him gently with the handiest, stick, bag or fist as the conditions may be.
   
2. Check your bags, pockets and surroundings again. Sometimes mobile phones like babies have to be constantly watched, because they have an un-nerving tendency to wander away. To be found, in the most unlikely of places. Enlist the help of others in this search for the holy cell, use their phones to ring it up and locate it Van-Dam style by sound only. If not found, use the howl again. With practice, it usually gets better and sounds more frightening.
   
3. Get off at the next stop and demand to frisk all passengers detraining or getting off the bus. Proclaim that, this is your fundamental right under the Indian Constitution, sub headed in the TRAI act, which incase any one asks, stands for: Telephone Retrieval Act, India. Create a scene and delay all the passengers. God, cannot be cruel to just one, he works on whole populations and not individuals.
   
4. Get yourself to the nearest police station. Get a complaint registered. Increase their work and take away their performance incentive. Mobile phone convictions are very low. If you trouble them enough and are loud enough (use the howl if you have to, only in dire emergencies though) they usually have a stock of recovered phones and they let you take your pick (usually works only if you are twenty something, in a fetching dress and are sobbing hysterically about your father killing you for losing this phone) This should last you till you have saved enough to get a new phone.
   
5. Always carry the IMEI number around. Policemen have the habit of asking the most awkward questions and the most incontinent of times. If you don’t know where to find the IMEI number, this page is not for you.
   
6. Use the pay phone and call up the office and home to inform them that the phone is lost.
   
7. Go to the relationship center and get the card discontinued or blocked.
   
8. Enjoy your new found status as the unconnected. One of the rare breeds of isolated men and women. Sit in a garden, feed the sparrows, philosophise. Try and ignore the blissful neighbors talking on their life line to humanity and sanity.

And if all these don’t work, get out that credit card, walk in to the store, purchase a new one and call me to share your agony.

Vibhu.