Well every one has an off day once in a while. Its normal and without which we fool hardy ,men and women of Mumbai might start disbelieving in Karma and the Mumba Devi. But sometimes even Mumba devi can take it to extremes. Here’s what happened to me one fine January day. It started off all nice and easy going, with me in the arms of my beautiful girlfriend, when suddenly I realized that the irritating noise that was there in the background was not her talking, but my alarm clock ringing, which alarmingly had stopped. Man was I late! I woke up with a start and the cheery sun was already shining through the windows. Oh Mumba, how I distrust days that start with the cheery sun already beaming down on me, trying to set me up for the great sucker punch of life.
Muttering and cursing, I readied myself to face the vigor’s of the day ahead. Then it hit me, I have to travel at least 50 kms today to meet the client and on top of that have to travel back to office and give a demo to another client who was visiting me. I said to myself, not a serious setback, will go to Taloja (the far off place) put my foot down and ask the client to make some decisions and payments and hurry back to the office, be my normal efficient, ebullient self and sell another piece of machinery and hence end the day with the bang. Well as is usually the case with these days, little did I know. Somehow schedules are followed (at least in Mumbai) by rigorously avoiding a time table. It seems that the city and its atmosphere takes a perverse joy of not letting you stick to your programme when you have planned for it.
I had made the trip a million times before and never had any issues, but this day had to be different. I made it to Taloja in one piece, a little late but not irrevocably so. Met with the client and had the discussion and the foot putting down and all. He asked me to join him for lunch, which I had to very politely refuse even though was famished, to keep to my schedule. Then I left. Was saying to myself, so far so good, just another four hours to go and then I am home free.
Taloja being Taloja is a huge place and very irritating to walk in the noon day sun. So when I espied a gaggle of village belles carrying what seemed like a bunch of sticks on top of their heads, through an unused plot of land on the opposite end of which I could see the main road, I made an executive decision. Me, Vibhu, will also take the selfsame shortcut. So, I navigated through the weeds and crossed the plot. The belles were giving me strange looks when I crossed them, but I attributed it to my good looks and great personality(maybe they were more in tune with the Great Mumba‘s feelings). At this moment the road was looking very close and I was congratulating my self at my innate ability to reduce my walk load by being smart about opportunities. Something about the eagle eyes of Vibhu not missing the slightest detail in the environment and drawing correct work saving conclusions from it was also passing through my brain(little did I know that heightened perception coupled with sub standard intelligence is double edged sword, gifted by the great Mumba, when she’s bored and wants to have some fun).
Just before the road, I saw a ditch. Dried out one, with the characteristic cracks on the surface that have embodied drought in our nation for centuries now. I was thinking, a short cut in time, leads to stitches nine(some powerful God was trying to warn me, before being shooed away by Mumba, who did not want any one to spoil her game) So I decided to cross over. Fool, should I have not made sure that the ditch was actually dry enough to support a full 83 Kilos of Male muscle? And me in my favorite shoes, comfortable and formal. So what do you think happened? The first step I took into the ditch and sploosh my foot went right in. What with the momentum and confidence of my motion, I got imbalanced and had to move the other foot too. So, sploosh goes the other foot. Now both my feet are in the mud, that I perceive (with my heightened perception)has a distinct aroma. I try to extricate myself from this quagmire and so what happens? My foot lifts clean out of my favorite shoe! Now, I am balancing like a heron on one foot, with one stockinged feet hanging in the air. Thank fully I have watched my complement of Kung Fu movies and also, not to mention the Karate Kid, where he uses the same stance against the bigger, meaner and mightier opponent. So somehow I manage to keep my balance and then insert it gingerly back in to the shoe and work the shoe out. I get to the other side, the two shoes ruined and the bottom of my pants coated with slush (God knows what was flowing through that ditch, being an industrial estate, I could only hope that my clothes did not disintegrate after drying out or while being wet for that matter).So I plonked down on the side of the road, trying to clean my self up. Using sticks, stones and papers to remove the thick, gooey coating on my clothes and shoes, when suddenly I feel a wet muzzle on my ear. I turn around and what do I see? A pair of big horns and eyes looking at me, very fondly I believe. It was a herd of cows, who had crossed the road and were investigating me very keenly. I will admit that I like cows as much as the other person, they give us milk, keeps our villages warm during the long, cold winter nights and all, but this was the ultimate limit. I tapped on her forehead and made shooing noises, but I think my ditchy aroma must have aroused in her an acute feeling of home sickness for her stall, so she started pushing me back. Then her calves and friends joined in the fun, trying to eat the papers I was using to clean myself up. I was literally surrounded by these three four cows. When you are standing, a herd of three or four cows does not seem much, actually you do not even think of them as a herd. You just pluralize them and move on. But, when you are on your ass, trying to get goo off your self, then even a couple seem to loom over you. The only thing left to do was to raise myself on my two feet and make them believe that I was a human, a lord and master and not some strange, sickly looking cow. So I heaved to and stood up, it was remarkable what a difference it makes. A single pat and shoo was enough to send them plodding away. If I ever change careers, will definitely research the affect of posture and position on the effect of shooing of bovine animals.
Well then, to cut things short, got myself cleaned up. Got a company gardener to hose me down. Caught a train to go home, when I got a call from the client who was asking me why I was not at the office giving him the demo… And the day never ended. Went in at full trot, was only a fifteen minutes late. Gave him the full benefit of my extensive vocabulary and had convinced him to buy the damned thing. But no, the great Mumba is thorough if anything. My esteemed colleague had not loaded it properly and the contents spilled. Ruining the demo for all posterity. At least the client was understanding and gave me his card and invited me to his ice cream parlor. A small consolation after this great day. (I think the great Mumba always rewards whoever has pleased her in strange ways, but then it can also be my other patron deity who was so ignominiously shooed away)
Thank fully, The Great Mumba retires after seven o’clock and I got home in one piece.
Vibhu
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